


You and Me, We're Crazy

by wylielx



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Eating Disorders, Hate to Love, Insomnia, Isak Valtersen Has Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Even Bech Næsheim
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 15:24:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11061795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wylielx/pseuds/wylielx
Summary: So, he climbed and the realization hit him. A bird was flying over his head and he knew that this would be the only way. He reached the top and smiled as the sun smiled back at him. He spread his arms out and let himself be taken by gravity. His smile faded when another realization hit him.He wasn’t flying.Or, Even checks himself into a mental institution after a fairly bad episode and nothing seems to change until it does.





	1. This is Where We Come to Die

**Author's Note:**

> So, haven't been here in a while. Real life has been taking a toll on my soul but I'm back. This has been in the works for a bit and I am highly aware that I haven't updated my other fic - Under a Pink Neon Light.  
> I am almost done finishing it off and will hopefully have that posted this weekend, but adding some finishing touches and what not. Bare with me!
> 
>  
> 
> Another collabed fic is in the works so I'm super pumped for that one! But while that gets arranged, enjoy.

_The perfect shot._

_The sun is set just right and the sky is clear. Only, he couldn’t get high enough. A photograph from far away couldn’t capture its beauty. He wanted to keep that moment forever. He wanted to bottle it up and bury it only somewhere he knew it would be waiting for him to come back, dig it up and witness it time and again._

 

_He couldn’t get high enough._

 

_He could climb and climb but he wouldn’t be able to touch it. To feel its heat, its essence. But, how far away could the sun really be? He could reach it if he really wanted to. And—he really wanted to._

_So, he climbed and the realization hit him. A bird was flying over his head and he knew that this would be the only way. He reached the top and smiled as the sun smiled back at him. He spread his arms out and let himself be taken by gravity. His smile faded when another realization hit him._

_He wasn’t flying._

**MONDAY 10:23 AM**

“He’ll be in good hands here. We’d like to take him around, make sure he adjusts well to his surroundings. We’ll give him his assigned schedule and show him to his room. I think we’ve discussed everything you need to be aware of as his parents. You know about visitation and what you’re allowed to bring and what times he can receive calls. So, I think we’ve covered everything. Before we leave, are there any questions? Even?”

Even was looking down at his lap, studying the pair of splints surrounding his wrists. His parents were next to him, holding hands, trying to smile and failing miserably.

“Even?”

He lifted his head and saw the concerned look on his mother’s face. She was trying. Everyone was trying and he was on the verge of giving up. Again. But he had to try. He _had_ to.  

“Hm?”

“Do you have any questions?”

Even shook his head and fiddled with his hands some more. His body felt heavy and all he wanted to do was sleep. He had already downed his meds with a glass of water that morning and dressed in the assigned _clothing_ he was required to wear. Grey sweatpants and a grey hoodie, everything was _grey_. The irony. Something about others having nicer clothes than others and the clothes the hospital provided were comfortable anyway. He just wanted to get this over with.

“Well, if there aren’t any questions, I’ll have a nurse take Even and show him around our facility.”

His parents stood up and Even took it as a cue for him to stand up too. His mother and father wrapped him in a tight hug and whispered _I love yous_ in his ear before his mother stepped back to place a kiss on his forehead as his father squeezed his shoulder.

 

They waved him goodbye as he stepped out of the office and found himself being introduced to a red-haired boy with a bright smile.

“You must be Even,” he held his hand out for Even to take, which he did,

“I’m Eskild. I have your schedule right here. I’ll show you around and then take you to your room so you can get settled in sound good?”

Even huffed out a laugh as he let go of the other boy’s hand,

“Don’t really have a choice, do I?”

Eskild smirked,

“Oh, we all have choices. You can either let kind, lil ol’ me take you around or you could just walk around on your own and most likely get lost. I give the best tours just so you know. But like I said, it’s your choice.”

 

Even smiled at the red-headed boy,

“The best tours, huh?”

“The best." 

“Lead the way.”

 

Eskild clapped enthusiastically and he looped his arm with Even’s and led him down the hall to a big room with couches and tables with board games and video games scattered all throughout.

“This is like a common room. You can come here and play games, though I can tell you right now, most of the games suck.”

 

Even found himself enjoying Eskild’s _tour._ His commentary on every aspect of the place was even better.

“There’s a gym and swimming pool that way and the cafeteria is this way.” He tugged on Even’s arm as he led them down yet another long hallway, only this one had wide windows and a couple of murals in progress. As Even looked around, he finally acknowledged the people around him. They all seemed _normal._ They held conversations with others and looked _happy._ This wasn’t at all what he imagined this place would be like.

 

“Once you wake up and do what you have to do, you know like style your beautiful gravity-defying hair,” Even took this as an opportunity to roll his eyes fondly,

“You come here and have breakfast. Food here is pretty decent. There’s a variety of choices and they usually offer different things on different days. You’re given your prescription before you walk out, so it’s important you come every morning. Your schedule says you have a session with Lillian at noon and group right after that. You’re allowed to do any of the activities provided here throughout the day.”

 

Even frowned in confusion,

“ _Group?”_

Eskild nodded as he continued through the cafeteria,

“Everyone has to attend group therapy. The point of it is to get you to make friends and being somewhat social. It’s nice, you’ll like it, I’m sure.”

 

Even nodded hesitantly as he let Eskild led them out the cafeteria to a hall with various doors with names and numbers on them. As they walked down the hall, they heard giggles and shushing coming from behind one of the doors. There was a distinct smell Even could detect anywhere and apparently Eskild did too. Eskild unlooped his arm from Even’s and started banging on the door labeled **CLEANING**.

 

“Valtersen! I swear if you don’t open this door you’ll never hear the end of it!”

 

The giggling grew louder and a fit of coughs broke out and Even couldn’t help but laugh. Eskild turned and gave Even a death glare that made the boy smile at him causing Eskild to roll his eyes in response. The door opened and nothing could prepare Even for what he was presented with. A boy in an oversized gray hoodie and baggy sweatpants stood there with beautiful green eyes, messy curls and a lazy smile playing on his lips. His cheekbones were highly defined and his jawline could most likely cut through glass. Even with the dark circles under his eyes, he was the most beautiful boy Even had seen and he swore the bright sunlight behind the boy made it seem like he had a halo hanging over his unruly curls.

 

“Eskild! Hey, what brings you here?”

A fit of laughter broke out from behind the boy.

“You know damn well _what brings me here._ Isak, you know you’re not supposed to be doing _that,”_ he gestures to the joint in Isak’s hand, _“_ If Jan finds out, he’ll double your sessions.”

Isak smiled fondly,

“Look at you, looking out for me. I love you, Eskild, you know that?”

 

Even smiled at the young boy. _He’s beautiful._

“Yes, baby Jesus, I know. Now come on, out of there, both of you. Jonas, you’re supposed to be looking out for him, not indulging his behavior.”

A bushy eyebrowed boy stepped forward, throwing an arm over Isak,

“Eskild, I don’t get to see him that often. We have to make the most of the time we _do_ get to spend together.”

Eskild sighed,

“They’re going to take away his visitation privileges if you keep bringing weed in here every time you come see him. You know _this_ ,” he pointed to the half-smoked blunt in Isak’s hand,

“fucks with his meds.”

 

Isak groaned, rolling his eyes so hard Even feared they’d fall right out his head.

“Eskild, let me live a little. There’s absolutely nothing to do in this place but watch Nina start food fights in the cafeteria every Tuesday and maybe hook up with newbies who can’t seem to stop staring at me,” he turned his face finally meeting Even’s eyes, a smirk forming on his lips. Even quickly averted his gaze, startling a laugh out of Jonas and an eye roll from Eskild.

 

“Leave him alone. It’s his first day and I won’t have you corrupting his beautiful, innocent mind.” Eskild reached for the blunt in Isak’s hand and pocketed it,

“Now go back to your room and pretend to read a book or something. Be grateful I’m the one who found you.”

 

Isak and Jonas stepped out of the cleaning room, shutting and locking the door back with a key Isak _found_ a while back. They were about to walk down the hall when Isak spoke again,

“You know I do appreciate you, right? _Guru.”_

Even saw as Eskild’s scold was replaced with a small smile,

“Yes, baby gay, I know. Run along now and stay out of trouble, Isak. I mean it. I don’t want to hear about you getting put in soli—”

Isak and Jonas were already halfway down the hall before Eskild could finish,

“Thanks, Eskild!”

 

Eskild shook his head, turning his attention back to Even, only to find the boy staring off in the direction Isak and Jonas had run off in.

“Even,” he said hesitantly, “Isak—he’s a very— _complex_ boy _._ I don’t think it’s a good idea." 

Even was struck out of his daze,

“We’re all _complex.”_

Eskild sighed, grabbing Even’s hand leading him down the hall,

“Isak is like a child to me. I love him dearly, so I know he has _issues_ adjusting to certain situations and you seem like a nice boy. I just don’t want you getting your hopes up. Focus on yourself and getting better. And well, I can’t control what you do here, so if you decide to _befriend_ Isak, be careful. That’s all I’m saying.”

 

Even didn’t know what to think of the information Eskild was giving him. Of course, Isak had issues, otherwise, he wouldn’t have been placed here. But from what Eskild told him, Isak’s issues ran deeper than Even’s. _Focus on yourself._ That’s what he had to do. He had to focus on getting better and getting out of here, back to his _normal_ life.

Eskild showed him around some more and presented him with his schedule. He was told how the bathroom situation worked and given the rundown of what times certain places were less crowded. Once Eskild was through with his grand tour, he had to find out what room Even was in because apparently, there was a problem with the room he was originally placed in.

 

“Most people here don’t adjust well to roommates so they’re looking for another room you can be placed in.”

Eskild finally got a call telling him what room was available for Even to move into. He red-haired boy only sighed as he silently led Even to his room. Eskild slowed his pace and finally spoke,

“About what I said earlier—I don’t think it’s going to be that _easy_ anymore. Focusing on yourself, I mean.”

Even furrowed his eyebrows in confusion,

“What do you m—”

 

Before he could finish, they stopped at the sound of grunts and low moans coming from behind a door with the number **535** in bold print across it. Eskild sighed loudly as he banged on the door. A loud groan was heard from inside and Even couldn’t decide if it was because they were interrupted or because they had reached their climax. He decided on the latter.

Eskild kept banging on the door and stopped once he heard the lock turn. And like before, nothing could prepare Even for who was behind that door.

The door flung open and a shirtless, breathless, dark-haired boy was there, a smirk on his lips, a faint scar under his left eye. And right behind him was the beautiful boy. _Isak._ He was currently in the process of pulling his hoodie over his bare upper body. And Even saw it. He could see the outline of each one of the boy’s ribs. The pale skin clinging to his body and Even felt his heart clench in his chest. 

Eskild sighed,

“Christoffer.”

The boy smirked,

“Eskild. Pleasure seeing you here. Who’s _he_?”

Even averted his gaze from Isak to acknowledge _Christoffer,_

“Even.”

“He’s Isak’s new roommate, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to get him situated.”

Chris scoffed, turning around to grab his gray hoodie from off the floor. Once Isak finished getting dressed, he looked up with a small smile on his lips.

 

“Hey, Easy E.”

Eskild rolled his eyes and stepped into the room, pulling Even in with him.

Chris finished putting on his shoes and turned to Isak,

“I’ll catch you later.” He pecked the boy on the lips, making sure to make eye contact with Even as he did so.

 

The boy left, closing the door behind him.

 

“Isak, what did I tell you not even twenty minutes ago?”

The boy only groaned as he flopped down on his bed,

“Eskild, I’m a seventeen-year-old boy stuck in this _crazy house._ You can’t exactly blame me for being sexually frustrated." 

“Well, you’re going to have to take care of your _needs_ elsewhere. Meet your new roommate, Even.”

Isak sat up, looking past Eskild. He smirked as his eyes met Even’s and Even couldn’t help but look elsewhere.

“Even. I love your name.”

 

Even felt his face heat up at the way Isak said his name. _Damn this boy._

 

“Isak, I mean it. I want you to leave Even alone. I mean, you can be friends, well no, not _friends_ like you are with Chris. But you know, just friends. Even needs to focus on himself and you should do that too, you know.”

Isak scoffed,

“I’ve been _focusing_ on myself in here for years. How much longer? How many more dosages of fucking meds to keep me _sane?_ How many more fucking therapy sessions to _talk about my feelings?_ This is all bullshit,” the boy was running of breath as he stood up, “Take note Even. This,” he gestures to the room around them, “is where we come to die. So just get used to the idea of being here for the rest of the time you have left.” The boy stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Eskild gave Even an apologetic look,

“You should settle in. This is your side of the room and don’t worry, I’ll make sure he takes his _guests_ elsewhere. I’ll leave you to get adjusted okay? If you need anything just press the button next to your bed. I’m the assigned nurse for this section of the hospital, I’ll always be here if you have any questions or anything. I’ll see you later.” Everything he said came out in a rush as Even presumed he was going to go after Isak. He simply nodded and gave a reassuring smile, communicating that he’d be okay.

 

After Eskild left, Even found himself looking around the room. _His_ room. His _shared_ room with _Isak._ The boy who was practically only skin and bones. Isak who just had _sex_ with _Christoffer._ Then, as he laid on his bed and traced the patterns in the ceiling, Isak’s words registered and somehow etched their way into his brain.

  
 

_This is where we come to die._


	2. You Can't Be Fixed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even starts living by his schedule and faces some hard truths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so fucking bad at updating, literally sorry.
> 
> I ended up moving sooner than I expected because we found the perfect apartment and just had to have to it, packing up my life is a bitch, and moving into a new place takes up so much fucking time and effort apparently.
> 
> I can't really promise frequent updates right now because we're still in the process of moving in and getting our internet and stuff transferred and buying some new furniture and making our place pretty.
> 
> This chapter has some terminology having to do with mental illness, just wanted to throw that out there in case anyone is not okay with that. oh & some smut? ha.
> 
> I'm not abandoning my fics though, so just bear with me.  
> & I'm aware that this chapter is kind of short but like, I had to split it because it wouldn't have made sense if I posted a huge chapter with so much going on. soz

**FRIDAY 12:49 PM**

“I’d like for us to start by introducing a new face to our group. Even, maybe you’d like to tell us something about yourself?”

It took everything in Even not to groan and say how fucking cliché this whole _group_ concept was. Well, in reality, Even wouldn’t mind group so much if it weren’t for a _particular_ set of faces he was determined to avoid after a _particular_ incident a couple days ago.

 

 

_It was around two in the morning on his third day when Even woke up to the sound of small moans and breathless groans. He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes, and even in the dark, he could make out the source of where the sounds were coming from._

_On the other side of the room, Chris was on top of a face down Isak, grinding down, meeting each one of Isak’s movements, backing up on Chris’ cock. The boy’s face was facing the wall but Chris turned his gaze, meeting Even’s, a smirk playing on his lips. Neither boy looked away, staring each other down, challenging one another._

_Chris snapped his hips a bit faster, a bit harder, drawing high-pitched moans from the boy underneath him. Even felt himself harden at the sounds, the moans, the sound of flesh slapping against flesh. The dark-haired boy started trailing kisses up Isak’s spine, sucking on the flesh of his neck, never taking his eyes off Even’s, never halting his thrusts._

_Even was so entranced, hypnotized by Isak. The boy was so small, so fragile but still seemed to hold up his weight, pushing back onto Chris, chasing his orgasm._

_And then it happened, Isak came untouched, hauling out a breathless laugh, tightening around Chris, causing the other boy to groan and collapse on top of Isak._

_Even laid back down, hoping Isak wouldn’t notice him watching._

_Chris pulled out, turned Isak over and kissed him breathless. Even found himself envying what they had. Isak’s hand tangling in Chris’ dark hair, caressing his face. Chris whispering small nothings into Isak’s ear, spooning him, wrapping around him, pressing soft kisses against the smaller boy’s skin._

_The last thing Even heard was small. It was quiet, almost a whisper but, Even heard it. It did something to him._

 

_I love you._

 

 

He avoided Isak the rest of that week, not being able to face the boy or Chris for that matter. Especially Chris. How the two ended up being together or being _friends_ as Eskild put it, Even had no clue.  Friday was his first day attending group and yeah, he fucking hated it.

He could feel all eyes on him, fifteen pairs of them to be exact. But Even could only feel a particular two pairs of eyes on him, sitting across from him, right next to each other. He sighed, promptly standing up,

“I’m Even. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple of years back and uh, now I’m here.”

 

Small _welcome, Even’s_ were cutting their way through the silence and Even was about to sit down when Chris spoke,

“I’m sorry, but uh, what is that? I’m not familiar with _bipolar disorder_. Could you explain it for my understanding?”

 

Even raised his eyes, meeting Chris’. That damn smirk in place, his hand on Isak’s thigh, a glint of mischief in his dark eyes. Even didn’t believe in violence, but right now, punching that damn smirk off his face was something he found himself thinking about a lot lately.

 

He was close to telling Chris to fuck off because he’s sure Chris knows what bipolar disorder is but he caught a glimpse of Isak’s curious gaze and damnit those green eyes could end world hunger and bring world peace, he was fucking sure of it.

 

“I go through phases, a manic phase, and a depressive phase. I do compulsive things when I’m manic, shit that doesn’t really make sense, well not to other people at least, because it makes perfect sense to me at the moment. Then after I do all that fucked up shit, I come down from my high and I—I crash. There isn’t really a set time for the phases. One could last more than the other, I could skip one and go straight to the other. My last episode was pretty bad, so I checked myself in here. Maybe I could be fixed or maybe—”

 

“Woah, wait.” Isak had a disbelieving look on his face as he sat up straighter.

“You—you checked _yourself_ in? Willingly? What kind of fucked up shit is that? To what—to _fix_ yourself?”

 

It was the first time Even heard Isak raise his voice. It was laced with judgement, with hurt, with so much conviction, Even felt himself run cold all over.

 

“Isak—”

 

Even was surprised that Chris was trying to hold Isak back, most likely for the boy’s benefit, not Even’s. _Obviously_. The younger boy had a scowl on his face, his eyes burning a hole through Even’s face because Even couldn’t even dare meet his gaze.

 

“No!” he stood up, his chair screeching as he pushed it back.

“Did you not fucking hear him?! He’s here because he wants to be! He wants to be fixed. Did you hear that, Chris? He wants to be fixed!”

 

Chris stood up, trying to get Isak to sit down,

“Isak, come on, breath.”

 

The younger boy laughed humorlessly,

“No. I think he needs to fucking hear the _truth._ ”

 

“Isak, please sit—”

 

“No, Jan, he should be enlightened. Even, everyone else here, they walk around on eggshells, afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Afraid they’ll offend someone with their shit, always wanting to respect each other’s feelings and all that load of bullshit you learn here, in goddamn _group._ But you know what, not me.”

 

He took a deep breath, his body was trembling, his voice shaky,

“You can’t be _fixed_. You’re nothing special. You’re just like the rest of us, only the rest of us, we’re here against our will. Society deemed us too fucked up to interact with the other half. We’re put on meds and given therapy to be like them. To be desirable. _Fixed._ But we can’t. We can’t because—don’t fucking touch me!” Chris backed away from him, giving him space.

“We’re not fucking broken! They can’t fucking fix us because we’re not fucking broken! You come in here all high and mighty determined to be a part of the status quo. To become socially acceptable. But you can’t. You’re not normal. You’re not sane. You’re crazy and you should stop taking that word as an insult and just accept it!” Isak’s breathing became frantic and then he started throwing things. Yelling and breaking and—

 

Everything went blank in Even’s mind. He was frozen on the spot, everything Isak had said slowly seeping in and everything after that blurred. A couple of nurses were dragging Isak off while Chris started breaking things, trying to fight off the nurses. The entire room was hectic, more nurses running in and taking patients to their rooms.

At one point Even realized he was being dragged off by Eskild.

“Even. Even! I need you to stay here. I have to go check on Isak. Did you hear me? Stay here.” Even was aware that he was now in his room. His shared room with _Isak_. _Where the hell had they taken Isak?_

 

_What the hell just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, this chapter was kind of inspired by orange is the new black. It literally came out like a day ago and I binged it to the very end while finishing up the second part of this, which I'll upload sunday?  
> I mean, obviously, this is a fic set in a mental institute, and oitnb is set in a prison, but I mean. life?
> 
> I'm also aware that this is a bit dramatic but also. life? 
> 
> Tell me what ya think.


	3. American Gothic Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even sees a familiar face, Isak comes back, Eskild is the loml  
> & maybe this is a hate to love AU too? fml

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a shit person, we all know this. It's like scientific fact by now.  
> Lots of things have happened and school starts up again soon and if I'm honest, I update better when I have a schedule or routine, so maybe I'll update better when I find my routine? Let's not trust me.
> 
> Also, this fic isn't planned out whatsoever. I'm going off of what you guys think. & I've sort of been investing all my time in my actual planned fic, which should be released in August because I'm on like chapter three and each chapter is about eight to nine thousand words long. I'm really excited for that one and I hope you guys like it and until then I'll be updating this and UAPNL. 
> 
> && this chapter goes out to KathPetrovaDiary because I was supposed to upload this chapter after you commented and I never did because I'm a shit person. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Even had fallen asleep and woke up later that night hoping he’d see a head of golden curls and enticing green eyes in the bed across from him. He didn’t. In fact, he didn’t see those golden curls or enticing green eyes for four whole days. And during those four days, he tried to get them out of his head because _out of sight, out of mind_ , right? Wrong. 

Things only got worse from there. Even found himself thinking about Isak more and more with each passing second. He was losing sleep and wasn’t keen on eating. He kept thinking about where Isak was and what had happened to him the day he was dragged away. Even had never witnessed an outburst like the one Isak had. Well, Even didn’t really have anything to compare it considering he didn’t know anyone else with _issues._

From the first day he saw Isak’s frail, skeletal figure, Even took it upon himself to find out everything he could about eating disorders, their causes, treatments, dangers and well—everything he could know about them. He visited the library during the day and read books and articles and was considering asking his psychiatrist, Lillian, more about the disorder but ultimately decided against it. After the incident at group, Even began to reconsider his actions. Not every disorder or mental illness was the exact same for every person, so maybe _researching_ wasn’t the best idea. After all, he should know that more than anyone. 

 

**MONDAY 12:21 PM**

 

Even managed to get out of bed that morning after spending the entire weekend in his room. That weekend, Eskild brought him his three square meals each day, at approximately the same time with a side of lithium and apple juice and every time Even tried asking about Isak, Eskild only provided a sad smile and told Even to finish his food.

So, now here he was, returning a couple books he had taken with him last week. He was aware that he looked like total shit. His hair was flat and all ruffled under the hood of his sweater and he kind of smelled, though he couldn't find it in himself to care. Not right now at least. He approached the wooden desk where a girl in a hijab was sat, her back to Even as she rifled through papers. 

“Excuse me, uh—do I just return the books to their spot or do I give them to someone? I—”

Even stopped dead in his tracks when the girl turned around from behind the desk she was seated at. He could recognize that dimpled smile and pair of soft eyes anywhere.

“Sana, what—what are you—”

Sana stood up and laughed softly,

“I’m a volunteer here. It’s nice to see you, Even. I haven't seen you in a while.” There was a hint of accusation in her voice, but a smile of her face nonetheless. He understood what she meant. He had cut off contact with practically everyone after what had happened and out of all places he could have bumped into one of his closest friends, who he’d cut off completely, this is where he comes to find her.

“Yeah—I just, you know, after what happened—” He shifted his attention to the couple of books in his hands.

She nodded, her eyes soft,

“Even, you don’t have to explain yourself. It would have been nice to know how you were doing but, I understand. We all did. We wanted to give you space and wait for you to come to us. Really Even, none of us are mad. Worried, but never mad.”

Even didn't know what to say to that. He felt guilty for just cutting everyone he knew out of his life like he did but, it was for the best. Somehow, like she always did, Sana seemed to pick up on Even’s unease.

“So, the books. You turn them into whoever’s at the front desk so they can put them back in the system and you can go pick out new ones if you want.” She smiled softly.

Even smiled back, handing her the books. She examined the books and eyed him cautiously.

“Even, you’re not…”

Even furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before he realized what she was questioning. He shook his head furiously,

“Oh no, Sana I just—I wanted to learn more about that. I’m not—I don’t have an eating disorder.” 

She cocked her eyebrow in question but seemed convinced with his answer,

“Any reason, in particular, you want to learn more about eating disorders?”

He considered lying but realized she could probably help him with his dilemma,

“There’s this boy—Isak. He’s my roommate and he seems to have an eating disorder.”

She hummed for him to continue. 

“Last Friday he had this outburst during group and he was taken away and he hasn't come back yet…” he looked at her and she had this small knowing smirk on her face,

“Do you know where they took him or if he’s even coming back? I mean—I understand if you can’t tell me—I just want to know that he’s alright.”

She sighed lightly and put the books down in a pile sitting on the wooden desk,

“They most likely took him to solitary. He’s been there for what—four days now. He’ll probably be back today or tomorrow at the latest.”

_Solitary._

“What’s—what’s solitary? I mean it can’t be like you know—prison type of solitary, right?”

She huffed an amused breath,

“No, Even, it’s not like _prison_ solitary. If he had an outburst, they most likely sedated him. And if he’s not eating, they’re probably keeping him a while longer to feed him and make sure his vital levels are alright.”

Even nodded, still not at ease.

“Even.” Sana placed a hand over the splint on his left hand,

“He’s going to be alright. He always is.”

Even looked up with wide eyes. _She knew him. She knew Isak._ He was just about to ask about him. Ask exactly what Sana knew when she seemed to read his mind. 

She shook her head, her soft smile in place,

“No, Even. If you want to get to know _boy wonder_ , you’ll have to get to know him yourself. If you’re not going to check out any other books, you’ll have to excuse me, but I have to put these back.”

Before she left, she squeezed Even’s hand,

“Be careful with him, Even. He’s been through a lot.” With that, she picked up the stack of books off the wooden desk and gave him one last smile before walking off to put books away. 

 

 

**TUESDAY 8:21 AM**

 

Even woke up the next morning to rustling and small voices in his room. He peeked through his cocoon of blankets and sheets and saw him. Isak was standing next to his bed while Eskild changed his sheets. The boy’s eyes were hooded and his curls were a disheveled mess. He had dark circles under his eyes and his clothes somehow seemed to fit him even more loosely than before. Even’s frown turned into a small smile when Isak yawned, his eyes closed tightly and his pixie nose scrunching up while his mouth opened widely, revealing his gapped teeth and Even found himself enamored. 

“Alright, baby gay, your thrown awaits.” Isak huffed out a laugh and climbed into bed as Eskild tucked him in.

“Eskild, I am not a child.”

Eskild scoffed, continuing to wrap Isak in his blankets,

“You’ll always be my baby gay, so stop fighting it. I’ll come by with your breakfast after you’ve gotten some sleep.”

Isak hummed in agreement. There was a beat of silence before Isak sat up slightly,

“Can I go see Chris after breakfast?”

Even could tell that the red-headed boy was having an internal conflict. Eskild reluctantly nodded, running his hands through Isak’s unruly curls,

“Isak, I don’t know what you see in that boy. You’re not even in a relationship, it's this weird friend with benefits kind of thing.”

Isak sighed loudly and it was obvious that this was a conversation that they’d had before. _Many times._

“Eskild, don’t. You just don't know him like I do. You’re all so quick to judge him because of his diagnoses. You more than anyone should know that you can’t go around judging people based on words on paper.”

“Isak, he’s a sociopath. He can’t feel things that you probably feel for him. I don’t want you getting hurt. I'm just looking out for you.”

Isak knew this wasn’t an argument he’d be able to win so he settled for a mere nod,

“I’m tired. I’m gonna go to sleep now. You can go check up on Sir Almighty over there. I’m sure he needs the attention since he’s trying to get _better_.”

The words seemed to slap Even right in the face. Though, maybe it’s what he deserved.

“Isak.”

“I’m sleeping, Eskild.”

Eskild sighed loudly, muttering things as he walked over to Even’s side of the room. Even tucked his head into his cocoon and feigned sleep, hoping Eskild would buy it. Which Even should have known better. Eskild pulled down his blankets and pulled his hood off his head. Even bashfully looked up and found Eskild’s fond smile and soft eyes and Even was grateful for him. Eskild ran his hand through Even’s greasy hair and raised his eyebrows but smiled nonetheless.

“You should shower soon. You’ll never conquer the world like this. I’ll bring your breakfast up later with my baby gay’s.”

Even was ready to retaliate because of course there were many people who had conquered the world without taking a shower but Eskild seemed to pick up on Even’s impromptu speech.

He shook his head as he headed for the door,

“Shower, Even, shower!” he sang as he made his way out of the room. 

Once the door shut, the tension in the room was in full force. Even was positive Isak was still awake and hating Even for reasons unknown. So, Even made a decision that probably wasn’t the best one.

“How was solitary?" Even regretted it the moment the words tumbled their way out of his mouth because—what the fuck?

And apparently, Isak felt the same way because the next thing Even knew, the boy had scoffed, shooting up out of his bed,

“ _How was solitary?_ It was fucking fabulous, thank you, Even. I loved every single second of it. They stuck me with needles and fed me through IVs because as you may know, I’m fucked up. They stuck me with tranquilizers so I’d sleep. They forced more pills down my throat and I was forced to step on the fucking scale so they could weigh my eighty-six pounds. My time away was absolutely marvelous.”

Even sat up in his bed, his eyes wide. He wanted to explain. The question wasn’t meant as a way to hurt Isak. He never wanted to hurt Isak. But Isak didn’t give him the chance to explain.

“And you, Even? How was your time here? Are you getting _better?_ How is it being a decent member of society?”

And something snapped in Even because he never saw himself as _better_ than anyone else, especially being in this place. In fact, Even wasn’t getting _better._ He was getting worse and that was thanks to Isak. Stupid Isak with his stupid green eyes and stupid pixie nose. And what’s worse, Eskild warned him. Even knew Isak was trouble yet here he was, looking at Isak’s stupid, pretty face and only wanting to make things better. But maybe this was how things had to be. Isak was giving him an out and he’d be damned if he didn’t take it. 

“You know what? Screw you, Isak. I haven’t done shit to you. And yeah sure, I’m a terrible person for _wanting_ to get better, right? Then what does that make you? From what I gather, you’re not here because you want to be—”

Isak scoffed, ready to react, but Even didn't give him the chance.

“You do understand that if you don't get _better_ , you’ll never get out of here, right? So, what? Are you planning on pitying yourself and staying in here for the rest of your life? Great fucking plan, Isak. At least you’ll have _Chris_ to keep you company.”

A hint of hurt flashed on the younger boy’s face, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. The boy’s jaw clenched and a smirk spread over his stupid cupid-bow lips,

“I'd rather live the rest of my life in here than to be _fixed_ and out there with all the fakes. They all feign their sanity. And if you want to be like them—cool. Be like them. Live your picture-perfect, movie-scenic life. Live your American gothic lie.” The boy’s smirk had slowly fallen and it was completely gone when he stood up from his bed. He pulled his hood over his head and gave a final glance,

“Stay the fuck out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.”

Isak walked out of their room, slamming the door on his way out. It wasn’t the first time he’d walked out and Even knew it wouldn't be the last. Even knew he couldn't be fixed but it took Isak yelling at him for him to realize that that’s what Even was trying to do. He wanted to fix himself and he’d always been aware of the fact that he _couldn’t_ be. He could try and act like he was all he wanted but he’d be living a lie. 

_An American Gothic lie._

 

What the fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	4. Different This Time Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak tries fixing things the only way he knows how while Even goes through a couple of episodes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's risen from the dead?  
> So much has happened since the last time I've updated and I kind of wanna fill you guys in real quick.  
> I legally changed my name to Wylie, which I'm super happy about, and which inevitably led to me having to change my name on all my identification cards, so that took a while.  
> I also started school and they kind of messed up my classes so I had to fix that and I'm now working for the ASPCA which has been a life-long dream of mine, so I've been dedicating my time to adjusting my life around that.  
> I stopped writing since my last update and have recently started making time for it again, so I think it's fair to say updates will be more frequent from now on.  
> I'm working on the final chapter for Under a Pink Neon Light and I'll be uploading the first chapter of my new fic the same day I finish off that fic! So, I think that's it for right now and thank you to all the people who've been sticking with me and my spontaneous, all-over-the-place updates.
> 
> As for this chapter, I'm gonna go ahead and say that Even is having a manic episode that Isak tries helping him through the only way he deems fit? Also, tags did say hate to love, enemies to lovers so but it's not exactly that easy...? yiikkes.  
> And, sort of spoiler alert for The Office and this book called the Illustrated Man.  
> soz if you were planning on watching the series or reading the book lol.  
> Also, there are a lot of things going on and I hope you're able to keep up because there are sort of flashbacks from previous days or well, flashbacks from Even's episode while in the hospital.

The days following Isak's return were tense for many reasons.

For one, Isak avoided Even as much as Even avoided Isak, which was kind of difficult considering they shared a room. Even expected death glares and scolds from Isak’s side but got none of it. Isak didn’t even look in Even’s direction, so Even did the same. When Eskild came to check on them before bed, Even always caught the red-haired boy’s perplexed expression toward himself and Isak. At first, the atmosphere between them was strained and uncomfortable but now it was plain _resent._

Aside from his _relationship_ with the curly haired boy, Even had a feeling in the back of his head and the pit of his stomach and it wasn't a good one. He was skimming through books a little too fast to the point where lines began to blur and he was _too_ excited about seemingly nothing. He knew it was happening but he knew it _wouldn’t_ be like last time. Everything was different this time around.

 

**SATURDAY 1:57 AM**

 

Even had told Lillian about his feelings and how he felt himself slipping. They made what she called an _action plan._ She advised all nurses working anywhere near Even to keep an eye out for him. Another upside about Even being in a psychiatric ward was not having access to credit cards or any sort of vehicle that facilitated his _extravagant_ intentions. Even had been excused from group for the remainder of that week while Lillian tried adjusting his meds and gave him time to manifest his episode.

Even was now laying on his bed scrolling through Netflix on the laptop Eskild managed to snag him. Eskild was truly Even’s savior.

 

_“Even, I love you like a son, but I can’t just bring in a laptop for you to watch romantic comedies.”_

_Even sighed,_

_“Don’t sweat it Eskild. I understand.”_

_Eskild eyed him cautiously before he left Even’s room. He turned up an hour later with his own laptop in tow and a small smile on his lips as he handed it to an overjoyed Even._

_“I had to charge it all the way so, the battery should last until tomorrow, maybe more depending on how much you’re going to use it. When it does die, tell me and I’ll go recharge it. I can’t bring in the charger because well…”_

_And yeah—Even knew. He was being watched by practically every nurse in the hospital though he wasn't necessarily spiraling but, whatever. Even remembers being told what he could and couldn't bring into the hospital when he checked himself in._

 

_NO CORDS, TIES, SHOES WITH SHOE LACES, HEADPHONES, CABLES, CORDS, EXTENSIONS OR ANY KIND OF DEVICE THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE USED TO INFLICT SELF HARM._

 

Even had been so grateful to Eskild for lending him his laptop. Even was restless that entire week and sketching and going for runs in the gym just weren’t cutting it. He kept scrolling through Netflix but he’d binged just about any every show that seemed remotely interesting to him and now he was just watching The Office on repeat. He kept rewatching season six, episode four and five because he’d never really appreciated the pretty epic love story that was Jim and Pam. 

Isak sat up abruptly and for the first time since Tuesday, he acknowledged Even’s existence.

“Goddamnit. Even, you’ve watched that fucking episode eleven times nonstop. Please watch something else or turn off the fucking sound and watch the pretty colors on the screen instead.”

Even looked up from where his gaze was fixated on Jim and Pam getting married by the captain of the boat. Isak had prominent dark circles under his eyes and his mouth formed a slight frown. Even just wanted to kiss it away.

He shook his head, pausing the episode, giving Isak his full attention,

“Isak, you’ve watched The Office, right? I’ve never really watched it until now and it’s like, I never really paid much attention to it. Most people are so invested in the show because of Michael and Dwight but like, Jim and Pam, y’know? Have you even watched the show? It’s a good show, Isak. I think you’d like it.”

Isak looked at Even with a confused expression. They didn’t speak after Tuesday and Isak intended on keeping it that way. That was until Eskild told him Even was most likely having a manic episode and needed to be looked after just in case. It was fine. Even was entertained with Eskild’s laptop but _fuck,_ he’d watched the same fucking episode, the same fucking scene on repeat for the past hour and all Isak wanted to do was _sleep._

Because if Isak _happened_ to stay up while Even was up that entire week, it was all some coincidence. Nothing to do with the fact that Even was having a manic episode and Isak found himself a bit worried. It wasn’t that. _Not at all._

Even was already childlike as it was, but now. Even was even more endearing rambling on about some show Isak had already watched. Isak was completely aware of how much of a dick he’d been to Even when Even did absolutely nothing wrong. Isak was fucked up and Even had nothing to do with that but it was just easy to blame someone else. It was too easy blaming Even. 

Isak yawned, standing up from his bed, crossing the room to stand in front of Even. 

“I’ve never watched The Office.” He lied. It wasn’t much of a big lie. Just a small one that he felt the need to tell Even. 

He stood next to Even, wrapping his arms around himself,

“Wanna tell me what’s so fucking interesting about it?” But Isak knew. _Of course, he knew._ The Office was one of his favorite shows, not just because of Michael’s stupidity or Dwight’s arrogance, but mainly _Jim and Pam._ From the very first season, Isak knew they’d end up together. Somehow, someway, they’d be together because it _had_ to happen. 

Even’s face lit up and he eagerly scooted over, making a space for Isak on his bed. Isak watched his face glow as he dove into an intense explanation about The Office and gave Isak all the character’s backgrounds. Isak sat next to Even, bringing his knees up to his chest, hugging them tightly as he let Even go on about the importance of Jim and Pam's relationship. With each passing moment, Isak felt his chest swell up with Even’s voice filling their room. 

It was nearing three in the morning and Even was now on their floor with a sketchpad balanced in his lap and colored pencils scattered all around him, laptop now discarded with Isak on Even’s bed. The older boy had gotten the idea to sketch Isak because _you’re beautiful Isak! Who wouldn't want to draw you?_

“Why do you hate me?”

Isak’s head shot up and he wished he hadn't because he was met with Even’s sad, hooded eyes, the boy’s hand balancing a crimson colored pencil that was shading his cheekbones on the sketch pad just moments ago. Isak’s mind fled back in time to the exact moment he asked his mother the exact same question.

 

_“Why do you hate me?”_

_His mother turned, her eyes filled the what he could only describe as disgust, hatred,_

_“Leviticus 18:22 You shall not lie with man as with a woman; it is an abomination! Isak, you cannot be—” she gestured wildly with her hands, “whatever you think you are! It is not in God’s plan for you! You’re being corrupted by that boy, Isak! Why can’t you see that?!”_

_The younger boy had tears streaming down his face as his mother kept ranting. She finally turned around to face him, a soft look in her eyes as she cupped his face,_

_“My sweet boy, you are still in time for forgiveness. You can be forgiven, He will forgive you, my son. It’s just about finding your path again. You can do that, can’t you, my sweet boy?”_

_He looked at her. Really looked at her. Just moments ago she’d caught him kissing the first boy he’d claimed to love. Julian was kissing him goodbye after dropping him off at home and she’d seen them through the window. She ran out of the house screaming insanities, condemning Julian in the name of God for corrupting her son. She’d dragged Isak inside by his arm and threw him to the floor before she got on her knees, begging her God for forgiveness on her son’s behalf. And now—now her eyes were filled with so much hope._

_With tears still streaming down his face, he removed his mother’s hands from his face and gave them a tight squeeze before nodding his head. She smiled sweetly and dragged him into a bone crushing hug._

_That night, Isak swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills._

 

Isak stood up from Even's bed and did the only thing he knew he could do to comfort someone. He removed the sketch pad from Even’s lap and set it on the floor next to them. The older boy watched in awe as Isak straddled his lap, bringing his hands to his face. Even’s breath hitched as Isak inched closer, placing a small kiss on his lips. The younger boy pulled back, trying to gauge Even’s reaction and when he saw pure lust in the older boy’s eyes, he leaned in and kissed him again. Only this time, Even grabbed Isak’s hips and brought him in closer, not wanting to leave an inch of space between them. From then, it was all tongue and low moans and Isak was now palming Even through his sweatpants. 

After that, it was all a blur and a mess of limbs. Isak made it his mission to make Even feel good. To make him forget. He made Even come four times by sunrise. He sucked him off, gave him a couple of hand jobs and rubbed his own cock against Even’s, practically making him cum just from kissing him. Afterwards, they were both laying on the rug in the middle of their room, a mess of tangled limbs and erratic breathing. Even had a smile on his face and to Isak, that’s all that mattered. Even eventually caught his breath and brought the smaller boy into his chest, playing with his golden curls. 

“Do you love Chris?” Even asked, his hands tangled in Isak's curls.

“I do.” He answered without hesitation because he did. He loved Chris. It wasn’t a groundbreaking, epic kind of love that you’d feel for a _soulmate,_ if there was such a thing. It was a love that Isak felt in his bones though. It was a love tainted red with splashes of blue and yellow all throughout. Though many would disagree, Isak knew Chris loved him too. Everyone would tell Isak that it was impossible. That there was no way Chris could feel _anything_ for him. So Isak stopped caring about what they had to say. As long as they both loved each other and they both knew it, they were okay. 

Even only hummed as he ran his fingers through Isak’s hair. 

“Have you ever read The Illustrated Man?”

Isak shook his head against Even’s neck, playing with the strings of his hoodie.

“It’s this book I first read when I was my sophomore year. I’ve read it so many times I’ve lost count,” he chuckles. “Every single time I read it I find something new ya know?”

The younger boy furrows his eyebrows in confusion,

“I don't know what you mean.”

Even chuckles, the sound reverberating all throughout.

“The book’s about this guy who’s at a park where he meets The Illustrated Man. He narrates throughout the book but the book itself is a collection of small stories. You see,” he readjusts himself so he’s sitting up slightly and pulls the sheet over both himself and Isak, “The Illustrated Man has these tattoos all over his body that come to life when he sleeps. It’s so fucking incredible. But the illustrations themselves were like a burden to him because sometimes, they’d illustrate something violent, gruesome even; and people didn't really like that. He kept leaving because once he stayed around people long enough, his illustrations would show that person’s entire life; how they’d live, how they’d die. So, he kept moving, looking for any kind of job, keeping to himself, being alone…”

And Isak listened. He laid next to Even, letting the older boy play with his fingers because his hands were fidgety and unsteady. Even spoke about each short story in the novel and how each one had a meaning and was essential to the book and how most of the stories made technology a huge part of the story. Isak listened to everything Even had to say. Even spoke and gestures with his hands and laughed at the concept of death and its overbearing effect on the world. Even spoke well into eight in the morning before nodding off. 

It happened on a very quiet, gloomy, Tuesday morning. Isak had fallen asleep in Even’s bed the previous night while Even drew patternless patterns into his skin. The moment the younger boy opened his eyes, he knew. Even’s body was next to his, motionless, so still except for the small motions of the boy’s shallow breathing. His hair was a greasy, flat plastered against his forehead. He had prominent, dark bags under his eyes and a small frown on his pouty lips. 

Isak disentangled himself from Even, got dressed and began cleaning up their room. He picked up Even’s discarded colored pencils and sets of sketches. He collected each of Even’s forgotten pieces of clothing and placed Eskild’s laptop on the nightstand next to Even’s bed. 

Even managed to cocoon himself in his hoodie and duvet. Isak closed their curtains, shutting out all light, though the day grew gloomier, dark, gray clouds blocking the sun and it was all some big, fucking metaphor. 

Eskild comes in not long after half past nine and gives Isak a sympathetic upturn of lips. At this point, Eskild knew something was going on. After the first night Isak spent with Even, Eskild came in that following Sunday morning to an enthusiastic Even and a _bashful_ Isak. But what tipped them off was when Eskild eyed a few of Even’s sketches that were taped up all around their room. While Isak tried catching some sleep between his ordinary day and his time with Even, the older boy couldn’t find it in himself to sleep. 

_“I've found my muse!”_

_While Isak laid naked on his bed, Even drew him. Etched every single detail onto the paper and into his mind. Every single rib, the sharp hipbones and a pair of knobby knees. He sketched the younger boy’s sharp jawline and protruding cheekbones. He outlined every single detail until his hands were shaking from how hard he was grasping his pencil. He had an entire collection of drawings from of Isak shaded from different angles by the time the younger boy woke up._

_“They’re going to go up in a museum, Isak! The entire collection! You’re so fucking beautiful, Isak! Isak—Isak, why are you crying? Baby, don’t cry.”_

_Before Even could attempt wiping the tears from the smaller boy’s face, Isak pulled him a hard kiss, mewling beautifully as Even tugged him closer._

Isak, for whatever reason, couldn’t for the life of him _lie_ to Chris. He could lie to anyone and everyone else, but _Chris_ , Chris was the exception. He was the exception for many things and lying was one of those many things. Eskild had taken Even to the gym to wear down his energy a bit when Chris knocked on his door and let himself in before Isak could even get to the door. 

_Chris laid down in the spot on the floor next to Isak._

_“You’re fucking him.” He said. It wasn’t a question. There wasn't a trace of doubt when the dark-haired boy said it. And maybe this was why Isak couldn't lie to Chris. Chris could see right through him just like Isak could see right through Chris. Since the very moment they met, being straight up was one of the better, common qualities they shared. Isak still hasn't decided whether he liked that about them._

_Isak nodded, keeping his gaze on the drawings Even managed to tape to their ceiling._

_Chris’ gaze found the same drawing._

_He chuckled,_

_“He some kind of Picasso?”_

_Isak cracked a smile,_

_“I’d say his style is more modern, original, but sure. Why not.”_

_Chris hummed in acknowledgment,_

_“He even captured the shade of your eyes.”_

_The drawing depicted the top half of Isak’s body. Each of Isak’s ribs and his protuberant collar bones. But his face—his face was blank. No lips, no eyebrows, no nose, no eyes. His face was surrounded by curls and across his upper face, presumably where his eyes would go, a lateral shade of green took over his face, overlapping his curls. Isak didn’t ask Even why he didn’t draw actual facial features._

_Isak nodded._

_“I love you, Isak. You do know that, right?” Isak’s heart skipped a beat. He nodded again._

_Chris turned on his side, cupping Isak’s, making him meet his eyes,_

_“I love you.” He sealed his promise with a kiss and Isak felt like he was floating. They made love right there, on the carpeted floor. For some reason this time was different. It wasn’t hard and rough like it usually was. There were only a handful of times when they took things slow. Where Chris would kiss the boy under him so chastely you’d think they were virgins. Their bodies moved against one another and it was gospel. Chris kissed Isak breathless as he came, warranting a whine from the smaller boy. When they both caught their breaths and cleaned themselves up, Chris kissed Isak in a different way. It was a small but long peck on the lips. It was different. They pulled apart long enough for Chris to run his hands through Isak’s curls,_

_“You think he loves you?” Isak’s eyes widened for a moment._

_Chris shook his head, tugging slightly at Isak’s hair,_

_“He’s having an episode, Isak. I’m not saying he can’t love you because it’s impossible to not fall in love with you.” A slight smile appeared on the younger boy’s face._

_“But, Isak. How do you know if what you guys have right now is actually something more? I don't really think I have to tell you this because you’re probably aware, but we’ve both been fucking dicks to the guy. And I know that him being here because he wants to pisses you off but I also know you have a soft spot for him now. But why do you think that is? Is it because he’s manic or do you actually like him?”_

_Chris’ words swirled in Isak’s head. And like always, Chris could read his mind like a fucking book. Because, yeah, Isak had a soft spot for Even the moment he knew he was bipolar and was currently having a manic episode that would eventually lead to a depressive episode where he wouldn’t be remotely as enthusiastic about the things he is now. Maybe Isak did feel sorry for Even and what he had to go through. But then again, maybe it was just Isak feeling bad about all the things he’d said to Even not knowing the things he knows now. Whatever the fuck the reason was, there was only one thing Isak was sure about._

_He liked Even._

_He liked Even’s body and the way his mind ran a thousand miles a minute when he was passionate about something and explained things to Isak in ways that it seem easier to understand. But that’s what made it harder for Isak to pinpoint his feelings. Isak was Even’s polar opposite. And you see, most of the time, people will tell you opposites attract and maybe that part was true but that didn’t necessarily mean they’d stay together. Maybe Isak was just an effect of Even’s manic episode. Maybe once he came out of his episode, everything that’s happened in the past few days will mean absolutely nothing. And maybe—just maybe, that was okay._

_“Isak, I just don’t want you falling for him and him maybe not feeling the same. But I know you and I know that you’ll start putting all these little ideas in your head. Look, I’m not saying I'm his biggest fan, because I'm not. I barely know the guy but I do know he’s been putting up with all our bullshit. He hasn’t once stood up for himself and he’s_ always _staring at you.” He drew out the always and smirked at the boy in his arms._

_“He might actually be good for you, Isak. He’s a fucking romantic who sketches you and cares for you in a way that’s fucking real.”_

_Isak scoffed,_

_“Chris, you said it yourself. This could all be part of his episode. Maybe—”_

_“And maybe it’s not. Just think about it, baby boy. But if does something to hurt you, I swear—”_

_Isak laughed humorlessly into Chris’ neck, causing the older boy to shudder,_

_“Chris, I've been the one hurting him. I’ve hurt him.”_

_Chris kissed his forehead,_

_“And now you’re helping him. You deserve nice things, Isak. You’ll be okay.”_

 

**WEDNESDAY 12:36 PM**

 

It’s been one day since Even’s crashed and Isak couldn’t feel more useless. He remembers Eskild telling him that there wasn’t anything anyone could do. It was a waiting game. And Isak played. He laid in his own bed, watching Even from across the room. He was weighed in this morning and (un)surprisingly, he’d lost another two pounds since his last weigh in which was almost two weeks ago. He wasn't hungry and most people didn't understand that. Chris tried comforting him but it was a lost cause so he asked to be alone. Eskild brought in his laptop and told Isak to try and ease Even to life. 

Even began to stir slightly and Isak sat up slowly not wanting to scare him. The older boy turned around, now facing Isak. Dull, blue eyes meeting enticing, green ones. They only stared at each other and Isak hoped Even would say something. He didn’t. So, maybe it was Isak’s turn to talk.

He got up from his bed, grabbing a book he’d checked out from the library the day before and made himself a spot on the floor next to Even’s bed. 

Even looked up at him with wide, glossy eyes, tucking himself further into his makeshift cocoon.

Isak cleared his throat,

“I went to the library and picked up this book.” He waved the book in Even’s face, smiling as he spoke, “This guy once told me that every time he read it, he found something new, so I thought maybe I’d give it a read. Do you mind if I read?”

It took a couple of minutes before Even shook his head. Isak opened the book and read. He didn't make it past the first two chapters before he heard Even's shallow breathing again and that was okay.

That was more than okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a few comments in the previous chapter that mentioned Isak being harsh on Even and I hope that this kind of made up for it somehow? I know that sex isn't going to fix everything and maybe it's unhealthy to try and fix things this way, but I wanted it to come across as Isak's way of trying to fix things.  
> Also, also. This may be moving on a bit quickly but like, I haven't updated in months and I wanted to plunge in because like wow.  
> I absolutely love The Office and Jim and Pam are otp af even though it took a while for them to get their shit together lmao.  
> Omg and I forgot to mention that I've sort of gone blind? Lmfao, what is my life? I have to wear glasses after eighteen years of not wearing any hahah wtf..?  
> Posting this at one in the morning hahah, might edit later? 
> 
> Comment and tell me what ya thought!


	5. We Remain Intertwined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the in-between + a little bit more?  
> enemies-friends-lovers.  
> ahaha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gonna just leave this here, lol.

 

_Jonas was in a chair next to his hospital bed, clinging to Isak’s hand like it was a lifeline. Terje arguing with a hysterical Marianne whose only concern at the moment was acquiring a priest to come and ask Him for forgiveness on her son’s behalf. A ten-year-old Lea sitting in the chair across from Jonas, a blank expression on her tear-stained face. She was the one who called Jonas earlier that morning, a broken voice on repeat like a broken record._

 

_“He’s gone, Jonas. He’s gone.”_

 

_He could hear Marianne in the background, her voice, her screeches, pleading for forgiveness. He kept the line open, putting Lea on speaker, reassuring her that he was already on his way. He could hear the ambulance blaring as he grabbed his keys and ran out the door before waking up his parents to tell them. He’d call them later. His mind was only playing back Isak. Isak. Isak. His best friend. The boy who used to chase butterflies and had a smile that gave undying hope. The boy who Jonas was fated to meet._

 

_V_

 

_How he despised society’s necessity to classify and organize everything to no end. But then there was the alphabetical order of organizing things—people to be more specific, four-year-old boys on their first day of kindergarten to be more precise. Isak didn’t speak. He sat there in his green chair, his small hands used as a makeshift wall to block anyone from seeing his drawing. Jonas was intrigued from the moment he saw the curly-haired boy. When another boy sitting across from Isak and Jonas got up from his chair and caught a glimpse of Isak’s drawing, he laughed at the curly-haired blond._

 

_“Why are you drawing butterflies? What are you, a girl?”_

 

_Though Jonas’ mother taught him that violence was never the answer and that the best way to solve problems was to talk about them, she also taught him that being mean to anyone just because was wrong too. So—he compromised._

_He got up and pushed the kid with enough force to send him stumbling back, making him fall on his ass, much to everyone’s surprise._

 

_“He can draw whatever he wants.”_

 

_Sitting back down and being told off by the teacher for pushing a kid, even if it was to defend another kid, Jonas was more than surprised when Isak tapped his shoulder, sliding the drawing over, lifting his small hands just enough for Jonas to see the wax colored sheet of paper. It was a drawing of two butterflies, one blue and the other green. Jonas looked up at Isak, catching the other boy smiling at him. He smiled back._

_His mother also taught him about soulmates. Yeah—Isak was his soulmate._

 

**FRIDAY 3:19 PM**

 

“Ugh, Isak, why can’t we just go back to your room?”

“I have a roommate, Jonas. He’s just—he isn’t doing very good at the moment.”

Jonas looked at Isak and noticed how the boy looked more exhausted than usual. The bags under his eyes were more prominent and he was thinner than the last time Jonas came to visit. 

“Isak, are you _not_ eating? You look _thin._ ”

Isak chuckled.

“ _Thinner._ Isak, you can’t—you have to look after yourself. They’re going to send you to that clinic that specializes in eating disorders if you keep doing this.” Jonas saw the frown taking over Isak’s face. He sighed.

“Isak, why aren’t you eating again? I thought you were doing better.”

The smaller boy sighed, ruffling his golden curls.

“I’ve been helping Even—or was trying to at least.”

Jonas quirked an eyebrow,

“Even?”

Isak nodded.

“My roommate—he has bipolar. He’s been pretty down lately and I’ve been trying to help him through it and well I’ve maybe been focusing on his well-being more than mine I guess.”

Jonas contained his urge to groan.

“ _Isak.”_

As if he could read his mind, Isak simply put his hands up and shook his head.

“Jonas, I know, okay. Spare me the lecture that I already got from Jan and Eskild. I have to look after myself and I’m doing that now. I had breakfast this morning and I’m having lunch with you. It’s all good, okay?”

Before Jonas could tell him that _no, it wasn’t actually all good and it wasn’t okay,_ Chris appeared seemingly out of nowhere, his signature smirk in place as he put an arm around Isak’s shoulders.

“ _Vasquez_. Just strolling through the neighborhood, are we?”

Jonas rolled his eyes, huffing a breath.

“Yeah. Decided to stop by, see what kind of shit you’ve gotten Isak into.”

Chris chuckled, tightening his arm around Isak.

“What shit _I’ve_ gotten him into? I’m not the one smuggling in weed for our _Issy_ , now am I?”

Jonas flipped him the middle finger, following Chris and Isak toward a place they’d most likely smoke what Jonas managed to smuggle in. 

 

See—the thing was, Jonas sort of hated Chris and Chris didn’t give Jonas the time of day, claiming he felt indifferent about Jonas. Jonas met Chris two years ago, his fourth time visiting Isak in a matter of two weeks. Isak, for whatever reason, had clung to Chris. Eskild had pulled Jonas aside and told him to maybe advise Isak to stay away from the other boy. 

_He’s trouble,_ is all Eskild said. Jonas knew Eskild couldn’t tell him what Chris was diagnosed with so he didn’t press on the matter. He thought that maybe Isak felt lonely, in a new place with new people and adapting to a new life. He thought that maybe after a while Isak would pull away from Chris or (even if it made him a bad friend for _hoping_ ) Chris would grow tired of Isak and move onto his next project. 

Only, that didn’t happen. Jonas would visit Isak weekly and every fucking time he went, Chris was there. He was either hovering over Isak, somewhere close by or would touch Isak in the smallest way, caressing his cheek or sliding a hand between the younger boy’s shoulder blades the slightest bit as a _reminder o_ r a _warning_ or _marking his territory._ Damn Jonas for not being able to read the fucking guy. He knew that the _friendship_ between Chris and Isak ran deeper than what met the eye. They were obviously more than friends but didn’t necessarily put a label on it. 

_We fuck and look after each other I guess,_ Isak had told him one time when Chris was in solitary and couldn’t make the visitation he had never been invited to to begin with. 

And you see, Jonas would have pushed Chris away. He would have done everything possible to get him far _the fuck_ away from Isak. But before any of that could happen, unexpectedly, seemingly out of nowhere, Isak stopped eating. After his suicide attempt, his father only came back into his life to send both him and his mother away. Lock them up to rot away—that’s what he considered _taking care_ of the situation. And because Isak was underage and Terje was, even if he did fuck off, not giving a damn about what he’d left behind, Isak’s legal guardian considering Marianne was clinically and mentally unstable. 

_It had been a few weeks into Isak’s stay at the clinic that he felt himself grow less and less hungry. He didn’t have an appetite and everything made him feel sick. The sight, the smell, absolutely everything about food made him feel queasy. So, he didn’t eat. It wasn’t a big deal. He drank water and crunched on pieces of ice to satisfy his growling stomach._

_It was noticeable. Very much so. His clothes began sagging more and more, he was basically swimming in them. He could feel the ridges of his ribs, every single indent, and segment between them. His skin began clinging to his bones, his skin paling to a ghost-like shade, bruises spread all throughout in a gruesome shade of purple._

_Jonas got a call on a Thursday. The clinic called asking for a Terje Valtersan. Jonas hadn’t heard from him. Apparently, the older man had changed his number, didn’t bother telling the clinic, probably ran off, not able to deal with the stress, Jonas figured._

_He’s told that Isak had been sent to the hospital. He’d collapsed and nearly hit his head against a stool in the cafeteria. Nearly. His condition could have been way worse. He could have gotten a concussion, could have bled out, it could have been so much worse—but Chris. The fucking guy Jonas despised had grabbed Isak just in time, avoiding any serious injury Isak could have acquired. Chris who refused to let the boy go without him. He climbed into the ambulance, a small, unconscious Isak in his arms, refusing to let go of the boy._

_So when Jonas arrived at the hospital, demanding they tell him where Isak Valtersan was, the last thing he expected was Chris right there, holding Isak’s hand, clinging to him by his hospital bed. Chris looked up from where he was rubbing circles into Isak’s palm. His expression, like always, was unreadable. But him being here, Jonas figured it had to mean something._

_Jonas couldn’t find what to say so Chris spoke up instead._

_“He wasn’t eating. I didn’t know. I mean, I did, but I didn’t want to force him into anything until he told me. He’s so fucking stubborn and telling him he has a problem and forcing him to fix it somehow wasn’t going to work. I didn’t want to push him and this happens instead.”_

_His facade was slipping. Just the tiniest bit, but Jonas saw it. He heard and saw the pain. A thin film of tears coated Chris’ eyes and the boy blinked rapidly, sending them away._

_“Chris, you said it yourself. There’s no way Isak was going to take shit from anyone. Maybe this is what he needs—I mean obviously this is a good thing. He just needed a wake-up call, okay? Maybe this will be the push he needed to see that he needs help. It’s—it’s not anyone’s fault.”_

_Chris looked up from where he had his face buried in Isak’s hand, huffing as he looked up at Jonas,_

_“Aren’t you supposed to hate me? Because this thing you’re doing, it doesn’t feel right, at all.”_

_Jonas chuckled softly,_

_“Yeah. Glad it wasn't just me thinking it because this isn’t gonna work. When he gets back, we’ll be back to the usual, yeah?”_

_Chris nodded, a stray tear making its way out of the corner of his eye. He frantically wiped it away, sniffling roughly before returning both hands to holding Isak’s._

 

**FRIDAY 4:57 PM**

 

Jonas ended up having to leave earlier to pick up Thea from school. Isak didn’t have the time to talk to him about everything that was going on with Even. And maybe that was a good thing because not even Isak knew what exactly was going on between him and Even. He and Even still hadn’t talked about what happened while Even was manic. Maybe Even wanted to keep it that way. This is something Isak tried not to overthink. But maybe it’s why he found himself wandering outside his door for the past ten minutes. It was ridiculous really. He should just carry on, let Even be the one to bring it up because that’s what Even did. He talked about things because he needed the clarification and for once, Isak thought that was more than okay.

Only, the last thing he expects when he opens the door is a group of guys scattered all over his room. But well, that’s exactly what he’s met with when he opens his door. There’s soft music playing as they all seem to be having a discussion about something, seeing as they’re all talking over each other. Even as they continue to raise their voices, they’re all laughing and smiling and Even’s _laughing_. Isak hasn’t heard him laugh in days. It makes his heart clench in his chest, just a tiny bit. 

Even finally looks up and all joy seems to have left him. 

“Isak.”

Isak gives him a small smile, 

“Hi.”

All of Even’s friends look up at Isak and the boy feels uncomfortable having everyone’s attention solely focused on him. Even just looked conflicted as to what to say,

“Sorry I didn’t tell you they were coming. I thought you’d be with your friend Jonas until later.”

_I can ask them to leave,_ was left unsaid. But Even trailing off was enough for Isak to realize what Even wanted to say.

Isak gave him a weak smile,

“It’s alright. I can go, let you guys chill. I’ll see you later.”

“This is _Isak_?” A boy with long hair, in a pink hoodie, asked. There was a smirk on his face and Isak couldn’t help but notice how Even blushed furiously. The boy stood up from where he was sitting next to Even, making his way toward where Isak was standing in the doorway.

“I’m Mikael.” He held out his hand for Isak to shake. Isak awkwardly took his hand, the boy smiling widely. 

The boy, Mikael stepped back and began introducing the rest of the boys. The one with light blue eyes is Adam, the one with a bandana tied around his head is Yousef, Elias is the one with a pair of sunglasses with a couple of whales on the side of the flames, and the one with wavy hair is Mutta. They all wave and smile and Isak can see how they’re all friends with Even. He’s about to excuse himself, give them their space, but before he can,

“So, we’re in a rut, Isak. You _have_ to be the tie-breaker.” Everyone in the room lets out a groan and Isak finds himself laughing.

“Mikael, I doubt Isak’s seen—”

“The Golden Girls. Which one is the most iconic out of them all?”

Isak grins, everyone takes a bated breath,

“Sophia.”

There’s a round of groans, Even laughs loudly and Mikael throws his hands up in full-on-glee. 

“I fucking told you guys! Isak, you’re the _best_.”

“But how is it Sophia? Dorothy’s sarcasm is fucking spot on.” Says Mutta.

“Rose is the most iconic, what are you guys on? Betty White’s iconic, period.” Claims Yousef. Adam nods along, agreeing. 

“We all know Betty White is a fucking legend, but we’re talking about _The Golden Girls_. You’re all wrong, it’s all about Blanche.” Elias says with conviction.

Even rolls his eyes, smiling at Isak the tiniest bit,

“But Sophia tells stories. _Picture it—”_

_“Sicily, 1922.”_ Mikael finishes the quote proudly. He high fives Even and the boys go back to arguing their points and Isak’s felt standing in the doorway awkwardly. Even unfolds his limbs from where he was sitting on his bed and makes his way towards Isak slowly.

“I can ask them to leave is you want. I can tell them I’m tired and—”

Isak shakes his head, smiling, watching as Mikael proposes a thumb wrestle to prove his point. Isak fails to see how that would dictate anything and apparently, so does everyone else. another discussion and raise of voices ensues and again, Isak shakes his head,

“It's fine. It’s good, seeing you happy with them. They’re good for you.”

Even’s looking at him in a way Isak can’t describe. It’s fond in a way, maybe something else too but Isak won’t let his mind wander. Isak coughs nervously, nods and near excuses himself when Even grabs hold of his hand, his fingers softly encircling his wrist. 

“You can stay. You actually _should_ stay, team Sophia Petrillo, right?”

Isak can’t help but crack a smile through the uncertainty he’s feeling, he nods and let’s Even lead him further into the room. 

The rest of the afternoon is spent like that. Continuous talks of iconic characters in movies and shows, occasional outbursts of disagreement when they don’t agree on something. Isak’s sitting next to Even, pretty close together. Isak finds himself leaning closer into Even, his head falling on Even’s shoulder as it becomes more and more difficult to keep his eyes open. The last thing he remembers is Even’s long fingers carding through his curls before he drifted off the sleep.  

 

**SATURDAY 9:37 AM**

 

The next morning Isak wakes to the same thing he’d fallen asleep to the day before. Long fingers were carding through his hair and he damn near _purred_. He was laying on Even’s chest, blankets wrapped around them both. The smaller boy leaned more into him, inhaling his scent, vaguely aware that Even was already awake.

“Hey.” Even’s voice was hoarse from sleep so maybe he hadn’t been up long. 

“Hey.” The younger boy’s throat rasped roughly in his throat, making him wince slightly. Even chuckled softly, cuddling closer, bringing his nose to Isak’s forehead, nudging him slightly. Then the realization hit Isak like a brick.

“Oh, my God. Your friends. I fell asleep all over you with them here. I’m so sorry.” Isak made a move to get up but Even held him closer, not letting him leave.

“Isak, it’s okay. They didn’t stay long enough to witness your snoring or drooling if that’s what you're worried about.”

The other boy groaned as Even laughed, his grip on Isak still strong enough to keep the boy there. 

“I’m kidding. They like you, you know. They’re coming by again next week, said you should hang out with us when they come by.”

Isak nodded, the scowl he tried keeping in place fading away when he heard the fondness in Even’s voice. 

“Yeah, but I still just fell asleep with them here. It’s _rude._ ”

The older boy placed a kiss in Isak’s hair, his lips lingering near his forehead before he spoke.

“You were tired. You know, you could have just left when I was going through, well—”

_My episode._ Isak knew what he meant. It would have been easier, to just leave, walk away when Even was manic. He could’ve asked Eskild to let him stay somewhere else while it was all going on. But he didn’t, he _couldn’t_. 

“Even—”

“You shouldn’t have stayed, Isak. You have to look after yourself. I know you weren’t eating like you’re supposed to. And your sleep—”

Isak sat up abruptly, cutting Even off.

“Even, don’t. Yeah, maybe I should have taken better care of myself but I don’t regret it, not for a second.”

The older boy looked unsure, a frown taking over his face.

“Why did you stay?”

 

 

_“Why did you stay?”_

_“What?”_

_“When your dad left with Lea, when you knew that your mother wasn’t mentally stable, why did you stay with her? You very well could have stayed with Jonas. You could have called the police, could’ve had your mother hospitalized, you could’ve gone somewhere secure, safe. Why did you stay?”_

_Jan made it a habit to go straight to the point, the root of the issue as he referred to it as. Isak had made it clear from the very beginning that he didn’t want sugarcoating. He didn’t want cushions to protect him or airbags to guard him. He wanted it exactly how it was. And sometimes, Isak regretted having asked him to keep it that way._

_“I don’t know.” He’d opt for._

_“I think you do. If you don’t get to the core of your issues, there’s no way you can move forward, Isak. Why did you stay?”_

_Isak huffed, irritation etched in every cell of his body._

_“I wasn’t going to be like him. It got hard, yeah. Like really hard, difficult in ways I couldn’t manage but I stayed. I had to. I wasn’t going to leave her alone, she had no one else—I had no one else. She was sick and that wasn’t her fault. He was selfish, only thought of himself. He left it all to me. He could’ve done it. He would’ve had her hospitalized. She could have gotten a diagnosis for her a long time ago but he didn’t care. He didn't give a damn, he never did. He packed his bags, took the child he always wanted and left. He formed a new family, bought a house, married another woman, had another kid, got a dog and a picketed white-fucking fence. I’m more of a man than he’s ever been. I’m a better man.”_

_Isak wasn’t his father. It took him a while to realize that he was better than his father. He didn’t run, he stayed, he always stayed. He would always stay._

 

 

“Because I wanted to.”

And before Even could put up some sort of argument, Isak leaned down and pushed his lips against Even’s. It was different from the kisses they shared when Even was manic. It was different from the kisses they shared in the same bed they were laying int right now. Even hesitated before he kissed back, hugging the smaller boy closer to his frame. It was Isak’s turn to knot his hands in Even’s hair. 

They laid there, kissing until their lips went numb. They eventually pulled apart but remained intertwined. With Isak’s head laid on Even’s chest, he felt Even’s breath slow down. Soft snores escaped the older boy’s mouth and Isak was left tracing the patterns of Even’s hoodie while the other boy slept. Maybe Even hadn’t slept the night before. Maybe he was looking after Isak the same way Isak had looked after Even a couple of days before. 

What this meant, he didn’t know. The only thing he knew was that this was okay—they were okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, school's ugly, I've had more mental breakdowns than I can count, and I've just recently tried getting my shit together.  
> the story finally has a set number of chapters, woo.
> 
> leave comments and pls come have conversations with me because I'm lonely af.


	6. Soft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some soft and supportive evak and a couple of back stories. (cue the flashbacksss)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haven't updated in a couple of months, surprise, surprise.  
> it's been a looong couple of months, and like the previous times between updates, life has gotten in the way lol.  
> sorta went through a heartbreak, adopted a fluffy kitty, I am now a college dropout, (cue the kanye west college dropout album), moved into a bigger apartment, still have my job with aspca, which I loooove and am currently jammin' to jumpsuit and my blood by twenty one pilots and weeping a lil bit because I couldn't get tickets to their concert, sigh.  
> with that little update out of the way, here, have a chapter!

“And your favorite color?”

“The color of your eyes.”

 

Isak blushed, turning away from Even’s intense gaze. The older boy laughed whole-heartedly. They were laying on their floor, blankets, and pillows were thrown about, forming a nest for them to share. It was nearing two in the morning and Isak felt restless, twisting and turning so Even suggested a makeshift nest, something about cuddling and contact being scientifically proven to help with restlessness. Isak was having his next weigh in, in the morning, needless to say, he was stressing the fuck out. Even must have known that’s what had him anxious lately because he wouldn’t bring it up—Even’s just nice like that, understanding and compassionate. 

“To be fair, my favorite color has always been green. But your eyes—damn, your eyes, Isak.”

Isak blushed furiously. This was Even’s idea of taking Isak’s mind off things—twenty-one questions, or more like “just ask as many questions as you want because we’re way past the twenty-one question mark so…”

“Even…”

Said boy turned to lay on his side, facing Isak.

“Isak…” he mimicked. He ran his fingers through Isak’s curls, scratching his scalp slightly as he did so. Isak liked the feeling of it, he liked anything Even did to him. 

“Your turn.”

Even put on a thoughtful face as he tried to think of a question.

“What do you think your parents would think of me? Like, if we were _together._ What would they think of us?”

Isak tensed under Even’s touch. The blue-eyed boy withdrew slightly, shaking his head as he cursed himself.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that—I know you don’t ever talk about them, just forget it.”

It was true. Isak never spoke of his parents, of his life before, or anything that had to do with his past. For whatever reason, Isak wanted to though. (it kind of helped that Even made it a little easier to talk about.)

Isak coughed nervously.

“No, it’s fine. Um, my dad, he wouldn’t give a shit. I didn’t really have a chance to come out to him, but I don’t think he’d _care._ He’d probably just “oh, okay, cool” and that’d be it. My mom—she’d…” that same memory came back to him. That day with her screams and his fear, her hope and his despair. To this day, even after all the therapy, all the talk about the past, all the reflection, he still found a way to blame himself. He could have gotten her help. He could have taken her to the hospital. He could have found a way to help her, to help himself. He was a coward, sometimes he thought he was no different to his father. Finding the easy way out through a bottle of sleeping pills that were meant to help _her._

His vision became blurry with tears and his breath became more frantic. Even saw and cradled Isak’s body, trying to soothe him.

“Isak, baby, breath. Breath, Isak.”

 

 

_“Baby, Isak, please breath. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave.”_

_Marianne cradled her son’s body to her chest. Sometimes she’d have moments of clarity, moments where she was the women she once was. The loving and caring mother to both of her children, a loving and attentive wife to her husband, a good person. That moment, with her lifeless son cradled against her chest, she was that woman, just a little bit, between all the madness consuming her. At that moment she realized how selfish it was—how selfish she was. Begging her son not to leave her. Begging him to stay._

_She placed him down before running down the stairs and out the door, begging anyone to help. For someone to call an ambulance, for someone to save her little boy._

_It’s when she spotted her little girl next to the man who left her getting out of their car. She screeched, she lost it completely that day—whaling and pleading for Terje to help her boy. Her husband rushed up the stairs, finding their lifeless son laying on the cold-tiled bathroom floor, a few small, white pills scattered around him. He turned to Marianne, looking at her in horror as he took out his phone to call an ambulance._

_Lea saw it all unravel. She made it up the steps, standing at the very top watching as her mother scrambled in search of her rosary. She saw as her father kept shouting at her mother to stop while he lead the paramedics to Isak. She saw as her brother’s skin turned a terrifying pale, his lips a lilac purple. Tears clouded her view because he tried calling her. He tried talking to her and she was too busy going out with her friends. He tried and maybe this wouldn’t have happened but it did and this is where they are now._

_She phoned Jonas because Jonas had always been there. She tried to hold herself together. She tried to stay strong because her brother had been strong for so long and this was the least she could do. Only, when she had lost all hope and their mother kept muttering a prayer, the paramedic found a pulse and he wasn’t gone._

_Isak wasn’t gone._

 

“Baby, breath with me. You’re okay, you’re okay.” 

The younger boy clung to Even. He had his face buried in Even’s neck, inhaling his scent to ground himself. It was funny how Even’s scent grounded him—it brought him _home._

“Even.” 

“I’m here, I’m here. Should I go get someone? What do you need, baby?”

Isak shook his head, engulfing Even’s scent. It’s all he needed.

“No. I just need you to hold me. Can we—can we do that?”

Even wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. He carded his fingers through the boy’s unruly curls, knowing Isak liked it when he did that. They laid there, just breathing each other in, Even pressing small kisses into Isak’s hair every now and again as he cradled the smaller boy. 

It was only nearing six in the morning and it had already been a long day. 

 

**MONDAY 10:28 AM**

 

But of course, they couldn’t stay in their room all day. They were going to have to untangle themselves and face the real world at some point. The _some point_ being when Eskild tentatively knocked on their door, knowing Isak might have had trouble with what the day had in store for him. The boy was tense all over, even in his sleep. Eskild eyed Even, giving him a sad smile, silently asking him to wake up the boy in his arms.

At first, Eskild had his concerns about the thing going on between Even and Isak. He knew that they were bound to fall in each other, especially from the very first day they met. It wasn’t a surprise to him—the _hate to love_ thing they had going on. He was concerned for them both, not knowing for sure how things would end, but if volunteering at the ward had taught him anything, it was that life was short. Life had twists and turns and could go from good to bad at any given moment. What was important was the _now._

_Life is now,_ Isak had told him. He understood, maybe not to the full extent, but he understood what the young boy meant. Isak was too mature for his age, Eskild had always known that. He’d been through a lot in the few years he had of life and it made Eskild’s heartache for him. 

But now with Even, Isak’s walls came down, he seemed younger, full of something Eskild hadn’t seen before; hope. He was open and caring and would do anything for the older boy. He was getting attached and Eskild was wary. Isak had been here a while now and he's shown improvement from when he first got there, but not nearly enough to get him out of the ward. All Eskild wanted for Isak to be happy, for _both_ of them to be happy. Maybe they were helping each other by being with each other. That’s all Eskild could hope for.

\--

 

“Isak, you’ve lost two pounds.”

The boy’s eyes remained shut, his hands knotting themselves in the gown he was required to wear every weigh-in. 

Jan was standing by the doorway, his eyes looking anywhere but Isak as Astrid updated information in the computer with a look on her face that Isak couldn’t describe. It was disappointment in a way, stressing a loss, _something_ that maybe, more than likely Isak himself has felt himself. 

_Shame_. That’s what it was.

 

\--

 

“Isak, we have tried absolutely everything with you. You’ve met with several nutritionists, many counselors, we’ve given you a wide-range selection of opportunities to better yourself.”

“So, this is it? I get sent to Nordland now, right?”

“Isak—”

“I can start packing now, I don’t need the whole speech about how it’s going to be so much better for me, thank you, I can make do without it.”

“Isak, sit down.”

Jan’s face contorted into something Isak had only seen a number of times before. It wasn’t a look he liked on Jan.

\--

_“You don’t give a shit about me, Jan! Stop acting like all of this affects you! You don’t even know half of the shit I’ve been through!”_

_“Enlighten me then, Isak! You acting out as well as not giving a damn about your health sure as hell isn’t helping matters! We’re all trying here, Isak! We can’t help you if you won’t help yourself!”_

_“Exactly! That’s it, that’s all this comes down to, Jan! I_ don’t _want to help myself. I don’t give a fuck whether I’m here tomorrow or not! I’d actually prefer if I wasn’t! I didn’t ask to be here, not in this damn hospital, not in this damn room, not in this damn universe! Still wondering why I tried swallowing an entire bottle of fucking pills, to begin with?! Not so confusing now, is it?”_

_He took deep breathes, trying to compose himself. This wasn’t how it was meant to be._

_“I wish she wouldn’t have found me.” It came out low, barely a whisper but Jan caught it._

_“She wasn’t meant to wake up that day. She had been out of it for two days. Her lows usually always last four days. She wasn’t supposed to get up that day. Why the fuck did she get up?”_

_“Isak…” Jan’s determined front seemed to crumble as he reached out for Isak, enveloping the younger boy in a hug. Golden curls and green eyes taking him back, way back._

-

_Jan was divorced, lived alone, and was the father of a single child. He met his now ex-wife in high school and was positive they were meant for each other. They loved fiercely and from that love, came their little boy. They were young and still in their senior year of high school and it wasn’t planned but it was theirs. Both of their families were supportive, helped out so both young parents could finish school. Both Linn and Jan graduated and then married a few days after. They went to university and Linn had their baby nine months later—Matthew. They named him Matthew and he was a little piece of something Jan was proud of._

_Matthew loved kicking about and laughed at just about anything. He had blue eyes and blonde curls that framed his chubby face and Jan loved him with everything he had. Linn seemed to be struggling with caring for Matthew and catching up on her schoolwork, but she never took it out on their child. Matthew would grow up in a loving home and Jan couldn’t have been more grateful for that._

_It was one case in a million. So rare, there was no possible way of predicting it. There wasn’t even a name for it. It was just a disease that attacked their little boy’s body one day and there was no way of saving him. Matthew had just started fourth grade but his mind was years older. He wanted to be a doctor because he wanted to help people. His heart was big and his final days in the hospital were spent in smiles and laughter._

_Linn tuned out of reality. Her heart was shattered and she couldn’t bear to look at her little boy._

_Jan was there every single moment. His boy would laugh and make jokes and get the doctors to let him borrow stethoscopes and first aid kits._

_Matthew also knew he was sick. He knew that his mom wasn’t at the hospital because it made her sad being near him. His dad’s eyes were shiny and his smile was sad but he never left his side. Matthew knew he was dying but he just smiled and he laughed because if he cried, his dad would probably cry too._

_It was on a Friday morning that Matthew didn’t wake up again. He had fallen asleep with flowers in his hair and a stuffed dog he’d had since he was a baby tucked close to his heart. Jan finally allowed himself to cry, clinging to his little boy until doctors and nurses managed to pull him away._

_Linn moved away after Matthew’s funeral. They hadn’t had a proper conversation since Matthew was diagnosed and he knew that they never would. She hugged him close and kissed him on the cheek before mumbling apologies for not being there for him or for Matthew. She said she had to go, had to get away or she’d go completely mad being in a place that only reminded her on her little boy._

_Two weeks after she left, divorce papers made their way into his mailbox and that was that. Something he thought he’d have for the rest of his life had come to an end._

_He signed the papers without a second thought—as much as he loved Linn, he knew they’d never be the same, that there was no way two young parents could come back together after losing their child. She’d been through enough and all he could do was wish her all the happiness in the world._

_He continued his studies in psychiatry, received his degree and got a job at a psych ward a couple of months into his job search. His life was stable. He had his own place, adopted a stray cat named Auburn and thought of Matthew everyday._

_A file hit his desk on a Friday._

_Isak Valtersan._

_-_

“Isak, you’ve been doing better. Our main concern was your mental health and you’ve shown tremendous improvement since your arrival.”

Isak scoffed,

“Developing an eating disorder to bury my suicidal behavior, yeah, _truly_ an improvement.”

_Sarcasm._ It was Isak’s way of deflecting, a way of putting himself down. Jan knew all his tricks by now. 

“ _Isak.”_

“I don’t know what you want from me!”

“I need you to accept help! I need you to stop trying to be so damn strong all the time and accept the help we’re trying to give you! Yell or cry or do both, show some damn emotion, give me something, Matthew!”

Isak blinked up at Jan. 

_Matthew._ Isak knew that was the name of the boy whose picture was on Jan’s desk. He didn’t know the story behind the boy, but something told him he was important. Something told him the boy was no longer with Jan.

“Jan, I’m not Matthew.”

Jan’s eyes were wide. He turned away from Isak, willing himself to keep it together.

“What do I have to do?”

Jan turned back around, not sure he heard right.

“What?”

Isak sighed, his fingers curling into the fabric of his hoodie.

“I want help. What do I have to do to get better?”

Jan smiled a teary smile, wiping his face before gesturing towards a chair for Isak to sit.

“I’ve outlined a plan. Let’s get started.”

 

**MONDAY 1:47 PM**

 

Even was eagerly waiting for Isak’s return. His usual checkup wasn’t supposed to take that long, was it? Even had already gone to group and his individual therapy session and Isak still hadn’t come back. Isak had been anxious before he left and he was probably right to be. Even knew that Isak wasn’t looking after himself while Even was going his episode. Could they send Isak away if he wasn’t getting better? What would they do to him? He still hadn’t asked Isak how long he’d been here. He still hadn’t asked Isak a lot of things but right now, all that mattered was Isak’s health. All he wanted was for Isak to be healthy and happy. 

As if reading his mind, Isak stepped through the door looking utterly exhausted. He had a tired smile on his face as he climbed in his bed, where Even was already residing. Even ran his fingers through Isak’s curls as the younger boy curled up into his side, almost cat-like. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Even asked tentatively. 

And Isak told him. He told him he’d lost two pounds since his last weigh-in. He told him about a game-plan that was being put into place and how he actually thought it would work this time. Even felt pride swell in his chest as the boy laying on his chest smiled and had hopeful eyes. Even knew he’d be alright. 

“And you?” Isak was looking up at Even now, hands still gripping Even’s hoodie.

“How have you been?”

Even smiled. 

“I’ve been doing better. I think my parents are coming to visit me sometime this week. I sort of asked them to stay away when I got here. I probably shouldn’t have but I was just—I didn’t want them close. It sounds stupid.”

Isak shook his head as he repositioned himself so he was laying on his side, eyes still on Even— _always_ on Even. 

“You’re allowed to want space, Even. Did they not want you to come here?”

Even sighed. He tangled his hand with Isak’s. 

“I was manic and ended up wandering through Oslo. I’d been missing for two days before they found me. My mom—she was so scared. And my dad tried to keep it together—so he could be strong for my mom, for them both. I somehow managed to sprain both of my wrists from a fall. I was taken to a hospital and was treated and went home after a few days. My low lasted more than it usually does and they were hovering, even if they didn’t mean to. They started working from home and I just hated it. I love them and I know that they care but I couldn’t have them putting their lives on hold because of me. I did some research and found this place. We all sat down and talked about it and in the end, they weren’t entirely convinced but they’d do anything for me to be okay. And so, here we are.”

Isak hummed along. He hated that Even thought his parents were putting their lives on _hold_ because of him. He understood why Even’s parents would have wanted to stay around Even. They were worried and scared and maybe a little overbearing, but all they wanted was for Even to be okay. Isak sort of really liked Even’s parents. 

“But you’ve been doing better. They’re really proud of you, I know it.”

Even beamed as he kissed the smaller boy’s nose.

“You’re so soft.”

Isak rolled his eyes, trying to roll away from Even. Even’s laugh filled the room as he hugged Isak close, not letting him get far.

“You can’t hide your softness, baby.”

Isak groaned into Even’s neck, pinching the older boy’s sides making him squirm. 

“I’m not _soft_. I’m very tough, just so you know. Not an ounce of softness in me _whatsoever_.” 

Even kissed Isak breathless then. Tugging at the younger boy’s hair the slightest bit, drawing small mewls from the smaller boy. He kissed his cheekbones, his forehead, over his eyelids, all over his face before he leaned back the slightest bit. They kept their eyes on each other, Isak half-laying on Even and Even’s arm wrapped around him. But because Isak was Isak, he leaned forward, brushing their noses together, tilting his head up, waiting for Even to take the hint. 

Even smiled, leaning in close.

“You’re soo soft. The softest boy.”

Isak restrained from rolling his eyes and leaned in, meeting Even’s lips with his own.

 

So, yes, _maybe_ , Isak was a soft boy. (but that was only for Even to know.) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally, I didn't plan on Jan being that involved of a character but I've obviously had the time to re-read and plan out the next couple of chapters more thoroughly and have made a few changes from how I originally planned out this fic.  
> I think his backstory is pretty big and important and relates to how he sees Isak and why he's so adamant about helping him.  
> also, if anyone reading is a top fan, what're your thoughts on the new era? I personally loooove it. I love the yellow and legit just love having them back.

**Author's Note:**

> As you can see, I can't really step away from this Chris/Isak dynamic. Sorry, not sorry. This was kind of inspired by another I read from another fandom- Gallavich! Where another main character, Ian, happens to be bipolar too! These fandoms omg.
> 
> Give me some feedback! I wanna talk to you guys because it's been a while!


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